Grief does not shrink. You grow around it. Here is where to start.
If you cannot sleep, cannot eat, and cannot hold a thought since they died: that is grief, not malfunction, and it is survivable. Most people come through without any treatment. The way through runs through your days, not a diagnosis, and the whole plan is free on this page.
Grief does not shrink. You grow around it. Nothing on this page rushes you; it just gives the days somewhere to stand.
Across 61 controlled studies, ordinary grief counseling showed no lasting benefit over no treatment at all (Psychological Bulletin, 2008). What moves grief is what you do with your days. Everything on this page starts from that.
Nobody sees this but you.
Nothing on this list is a symptom of anything wrong with you.
The hour you came home. The meal you cooked because they liked it. The call on the way to work. The one who noticed whether you had eaten.
It felt like love. It was also structure. It told your body when to sleep, when to eat, when to stop. That job is open now. Nobody is doing it.
Some of what you feel is grief. Some of it is a body with no rhythm. From the inside they feel the same. One of them you can change this week.
Light early. Water. Food you cooked, even badly, even for one. The body moved. Music in the house. Sleep at the same hour. The Foundations →
In a trial that followed families for fifteen years, the help that reached grieving children reached them through the surviving parent. The children did better because the parent slept, ate, drank less, and could parent again.
Eat a real meal. Go to bed at a decent hour. Get the sun on your face. You are not stealing that from your children. That is the thing you are doing for them.
One more: an estimated $15.5 billion in Social Security survivor benefits goes unclaimed each year by children whose working parent died. Check what your children are owed. It costs nothing to find out.
I am sorry about your person.
Not everybody has money right now. We understand. These resources are the real work, free, and they take one thing: your commitment. If it feels like too much to hold alone, write to me. Otherwise, let this work put some structure under what you’re carrying.
The self-guided month: a packet you print. One page for every one of 30 days — the morning intentions, the evening close, a quote to hold — with a check-in after each week and a look-back on day 30. The same month we would walk together, on paper.
When I was 10, I lost my best friend to cancer. At 21, I lost my best friend in a car accident; another friend was drinking and driving. That same year I lost my roommate, and then another friend, both in motorcycle accidents. I spoke at and attended too many funerals for a young person.
Then one day, my wife didn’t pick my son up from school. What followed was the travesty that shaped who I am and the work I do. My wife was murdered by a family friend who turned out to not be such a good friend. I spent years going to court after he admitted it but pled not guilty. I got no help from the government with money. And I had a narcissistic family who did everything in their power to make the experience worse.
So I know a bit about dealing with death, dealing with tragic loss, the trauma that ensues, and rebuilding your life after it. This is direct experience that you won’t find with a counselor, a psychiatrist, or someone that hasn’t been through something like that. Because the truth is, unless someone has experienced what you’ve experienced, there’s only so much they can do to help you.
Every professional I went to told me they hadn't been through anything like it. The research says my experience is the rule, not the exception. People bereaved by violent death describe leaving counselor after counselor for the same reason, and the strongest thing the studies find for them is a person who has been through it: hope you can check against a living example.
The other finding nobody says out loud: for ordinary grief, formal counseling shows no lasting benefit over no treatment at all. What moves grief is what you do with your days. That is why the packet below is free, and why it is not a teaser.
For ordinary grief, professional counseling shows no lasting benefit over no treatment. The free work is the real work.
Currier, Neimeyer & Berman, 2008 · Psychological Bulletin → Rituals workEven simple, private, invented rituals measurably reduce grief. They restore control. They work whether or not you believe in them.
Norton & Gino, 2014 · Harvard → ~5×Violent death multiplies the risk that grief becomes prolonged and disabling. Losing someone to violence is a different animal, and it needs different help.
The violent-loss research → PeersSupport from someone with lived experience reduces grief and restores hope. The mechanism is simple: if he survived it, I can.
Bartone et al., 2019 · systematic review → 3 monthsThe first three months are the dangerous window for men grieving alone. If that is where you are standing, do not stand there alone.
The widowhood-effect research · Harvard → Free moneyIf your person was killed: every US state's crime victim compensation fund pays for counseling, funeral costs, lost wages. Most families are never told.
Office for Victims of Crime →The packet below is built on this research: the anchors, the grief hour, the pages about your person, the rituals. Free, complete, printable.
There is nothing to add. No new course, framework, medication, philosophy. The work is removing: the filth in the body, the filth in the mind, the distractions. When mind and body integrate with the spirit, we remember who we are in our divine perfection. It is time to come home to our hearts and do what is right, without permission or outside validation. This is the work I do on myself every day. My hope is to share the remembering with you, so we wake up together with the sun in our eyes and joy in our hearts.
My Philosophy →Not a clinic. A man who lived this one — the story is on this page — and shares what worked. No credentials, no diagnosis, no email wall.
— Astana Elan
There is no deadline. The heaviest weight usually eases across the first year, and most people come through without treatment. Grief still at full intensity every day past a year has a name — prolonged grief — and targeted help for it works.
Yes. Grief takes the body's rhythm first — sleep, appetite, energy. That is why the plan on this page starts with the day, not the feelings.
Attention and processing speed measurably drop in the first six months after a loss, which is when the paperwork arrives. The tasks landed on a brain that is carrying something.
In one national survey, 57 percent of bereaved people said support fell away within three months. The grief does not run on that schedule. People do not know how to stay. Most were never taught.
In a trial that followed families for fifteen years, the help that reached grieving children reached them through the surviving parent. Taking care of yourself is the job.
The weight comes through different doors. If this page is not yours, one of these is: A separation · A dysfunctional childhood · The addiction · The trauma · A chaotic daily life.
Not sure? Two minutes on the gates page sorts it.
What the research is finding, and what the fire already knew. One letter a week, written by me. Leave your email if you want it.
Everything on this site stays free either way.